Pain II

Sharp, shooting, knife pain demands instant action. Reflex like responses make us cower or change position or flee. That is pain that is easy to know what to do with. The cause and effect are closely and obviously linked.

Dull pain that creeps around the edges, that stays in the shadows and gnaws, that we fend off, that we can feel coming nearer, that waits for our weakness, a crack in the wall of protection we have built. That kind of pain is much harder to figure out. The cause is often hidden, or delayed, or it is caused by some habitual action that we don't even realize we are doing.

How do we overcome this cowardly pain when it doesn't want to show itself? Must we let ourselves be weak, let the pain over take us, see what comes of feeling it? To do so feels like giving up, this being weak and succumbing to the pain. But maybe that is the only way to overcome it. We can not keep up the walls, I know we don't have the strength for that, and the pain is too much of a coward to come out and fight, so maybe surrender is the tactic.

Surrender?! Is it so ingrained in me to think of feeling an emotion as surrender. Emotions are meant to be felt. Pain is a very useful and instructive feeling. Why Why Why!!?? Do I see it as weakness.

There have been more than a few yoga classes, where at the end of the class during the last 15 minutes when we are quiet that I have lost the battle to fend off the pain, it all comes crashing in on me. Probably the only 15 minutes in my week that I let down my guard. Scary, but ultimately healing. Another common time is at night when I lay down just before I fall asleep. Sometimes randomly (thankfully this is pretty rare) last week when I was waiting for water to boil, or in response to a song I hear on the radio.

I realize that this maybe is kind of a dark post, but it shouldn't be, right? Pain is something we all deal with everyday. It shouldn't be hard to talk about.

Pain

So I hurt my back about a month ago. I first hurt it in college and ever since the same injury seems to crop up every couple of years. Usually it gets better within a week if I just rest. However this time, I have not been resting, I have been trying to continue training for a triathlon. My back doesn't hurt when I am running or biking or swimming, so it wasn't hard to keep doing those things. But it has continued to hurt when I am not working out. So this week I told myself I was going to take the week off and let myself get better. So far it is not working. I am frustrated that my back still hurts, and I can't seem to figure out how to make it better. I want to know what I can do to fix it (I suppose I am kinda like a man that way).

Additionally I was just starting to really enjoy training and now I don't have an outlet for my energy and work frustrations. But I really really want it to feel better, so I will try to be patient.

The worst part is the last few days it has been worse not better. I can't figure out if it is from sitting at a desk all day, or if the working out actually was helping my back in some ways and maybe I just need to find the right combination of workouts to make my back better. Grrr...

One good thing I have learned is that the most likely reason for me hurting my back in the first place. So that is good for the future, I know what I need to work on to keep it from happening again. However, I just want to feel better now. Funny though, I don't want to take advil because in my mind that is just masking the problem and not allowing me to work with the pain to try and figure out how to fix it. However pain makes me cranky and I mostly want to go home (not travel) so I can go swimming and get a massage, and maybe even see a doctor (however extremely unlikely given my schedule).

So that is my whining for the day. Interestingly enough there are so many great lessons to be taken from what I just wrote. Bet you can't wait to read them :)

The Silver Lining

So every Monday my coworkers and I have Silver Lining Lunch, where we list off the things that are either good about being staffed in Buffalo, NY for the winter, or we try to think of places that would be worse. Our funny little ritual emphasizes the importance of finding the positive in our lives.

I grew up thinking that life was generally good and bad things only happened every once in a while. However over the past year, I have done a 180 on this topic and now am pretty certain that there is infinite capacity for sad or bad in our lives and much more limitted capacity for good things. Therefore it is crucial that we celebrate the good. We have to accept that the bad is going to be there, always in the background, and that there will always be the potential for more bad, but we choose to focus on the good.

There are many examples of people who went through terrible things, like cancer or loosing a spouse, things that you would think covered them for life. But then something else terrible happens to these same people. Stories like these remind me of two things

1. the enduring human spirit - the sheer strength that humans have to overcome tragedy
2. life's infinite capacity for bad and the absolute choice we must make to celebrate good

Celebrating good is a choice. One that we must continually remind ourselves of. Because for whatever reason we focus on the bad when that is exactly the opposite of what we need to be doing. We must look for the silver lining.

Adventures in Between

One of my classmates was inspired to start blogging on her job search in the worst economy in decades. I am sure lots of other good things will creap into her blog too. Check it out.

adventuresinbetween.blogspot.com

Fake vs. Real

I have the extreme privilege of being friends with a number of really great guys.  On occasion they have man night.  I believe a much needed and under appreciated (by women) time.  I was lucky enough to be invited to man night last Thursday.  I say lucky because mixed in with the nearly constant chatter about breasts, there were some interesting insights into relationships, dating, and most importantly the differences between fake and real or shall we call it Date vs. Marry.

For a long time I was taught that the sole purpose of dating was to see if someone was the one you were to marry.  You were not supposed to start dating them unless you thought they were a potential marriage candidate, and as soon as you knew you didn't want to marry them, then you were supposed to break up.  

I now realize there are other philosophies to dating.  A friend told me last summer that he had had some really great 3 month relationships and there was never any intention of them being any more than that.  At the time I don't think I had any reference to understand what he was talking about, but I now believe he might have been on to something.  My friends at Man Night echoed this "not just about marriage" dating philosophy.  When a group of attractive women walked in to the restaurant, my male friends quickly decided they were in the date category, which upon further inquiry, actually meant that they were just interested in having sex with them.  The girls were physically attractive enough to interest my friends in sex for a short time, but there was not enough else to them to keep my friends interested for life.  

Men seem to be able to switch back and forth between date vs. marry fairly effortlessly.  Furthermore, they seem able to quickly assess their targets.  Women seem to get muddled up, often thinking a guy who is clearly in the date category could potentially be in the marry category.   

Additionally, while there are boys who will always just be looking for date girls, the majority of men are looking for both date and marry girls simultaneously.  Men can also switch back and forth between being a date guy and a marry guy.  Girls on the other hand, seem more likely to fall into either one category or the other.  I suppose, for better or worse, I am a marry girl, that is why I have a hard time thinking about dating someone I know right from the start doesn't have all the characteristics I would want in a husband.  Not that I won't go out on dates with men, I just find it hard to imagine being in a relationship with someone once I knew there was something about them that was a deal breaker.  Likewise, I would have a hard time having sex with someone once I knew there was something that was a deal breaker, I know what that feels like, sex without making love, sex knowing it is over.  But I don't want that, it is not worth it.   

 

There are many people in this world who do not inspire you to follow them, the majority, I would say. There are many cowards, many liars, many cheats, many who simply lack the cahones to stand up for their team, who will do what it takes to make themselves look good, even if it means screwing over those who help them.

When you find someone who you would want to follow, who you would want to have your back, to be fighting next to in the trenches, someone you trust and who inspires you, you should hold onto them, or work with them, or whatever is appropriate. Actually I am thinking about this mostly in the context of my professional life, but it also seems to apply to personal life.

The ideal boss, like the ideal husband, a perhaps mythical creature. But is it? I mean why is it that the S&*% floats to the top? Is it because we let it? Is it because we do not demand more? We do not set high enough ethical, moral and quality standards for those we are willing to dedicate our lives to?

"It is just a job"

But it is not just a job. The people I know spend 80 - 100 hours a week at their "job". They travel four or more days a week. They sleep in hotels rather than in their beds with their husbands or wives. They give up working out and taking care of themselves. They dedicate more time and energy on these "just jobs" than anything else in their lives. So it seems fair to me to demand that this job that we give so much to, should at least be something we believe in and are inspired to do. And furthermore, if we work for someone, we should hold that person to standards that are equally as high as the standards we have for ourselves.

Proper Cloth

So one of my classmates and core team mates Seph Skerritt bucked the I-Banking and consulting trend to start his own custom dress shirt company.  It is a fabulously hip and stylish place for men to get outfitted for whatever life throws at them, so I thought I would mention it:

http://www.propercloth.com

definitely check it out.  

Humm...I realized I didn't post anything on valentine's day, so here goes a make up post.

Valentine's day, as much as people try to tell me that it doesn't matter if you are single on valentines day, that your dad and brother can be your valentines, and it just means you share warm fuzzy feelings with everyone, I found the holiday a bit hard to take.  

As much as New York is a city of stylish, single till they're 40, career men and women, Boston is a city of adorably casual, athletic, couples with dogs, or kids, or both.  So Boston celebrates Valentines day with an impressive display of picturesque romanticism.  Think couples rolling out of bed to brunch, then hot chocolate and ice skating at the Commons, strolling down Newbury, or Comm Ave, dinner at _______ (fill in the blank with quaint little gourmet restaurant), culminating in stopping by Deluca's to get firewood for romantic snuggle in front of fireplace.  It was a bit overwhelming, even for me, who is not usually phased by this stuff, and is quite definitely on a I don't want any part of settled coupledom kick. 

Next year I think I will get out of Dodge.

 

Love and Excel

Hilarious quote from my friend Andi Bishoff on Facebook:

"Love is like a goal seek function with only one variable to make the whole mess work."

I don't happen to believe that there is only one variable, but perhaps only one type of variable.

Painting and Yoga

Painting

Even an incredibly talented artist depends on the quality of his materials.  If he is given mediocre materials to work with, his work will never be as spectacular as if he is given the best quality paints, brushes and canvas.

Yoga

The really wonderful thing about yoga is that you have to completely concentrate on what you are doing, so you have an hour and a half of not thinking about all the other crap in your life.  You are forced to live in the moment.  The hard part about yoga is then taking that quality of focus and deliberation to the other areas of your life.  If only we could all live more in each moment of our lives.  To be completely present in every conversation, interaction and task.  People who are able to do this have a tremendous power about them.  They make the people they are around feel special, energized, cared for, listened to, peaceful.  

New York City

So I am killing some time in JFK terminal 5 and had a few thoughts on relationships.

So I was scanning the available men passing through terminal 5.  I admit I enjoy comparing the different men in the different places I travel, and I was excited about NYC, because, well, it is New York, home to beautiful, powerful people.  

However tonight I was sorely disappointed.  A fairly constant stream of beautiful women strolled past, but the men mostly looked exhausted, stressed out and prematurely aged.  Maybe it is just me, but I was pretty glad to live in Boston :)

While we are on the subject of travel and attractive men, can I just say that in all my many years of traveling and many many flights, I have never once sat next to an attractive, single man.  I always end up next to the fat people, the families with three kids, or the deathly afraid of flying.  Why me?  Why me?