Fake vs. Real

I have the extreme privilege of being friends with a number of really great guys.  On occasion they have man night.  I believe a much needed and under appreciated (by women) time.  I was lucky enough to be invited to man night last Thursday.  I say lucky because mixed in with the nearly constant chatter about breasts, there were some interesting insights into relationships, dating, and most importantly the differences between fake and real or shall we call it Date vs. Marry.

For a long time I was taught that the sole purpose of dating was to see if someone was the one you were to marry.  You were not supposed to start dating them unless you thought they were a potential marriage candidate, and as soon as you knew you didn't want to marry them, then you were supposed to break up.  

I now realize there are other philosophies to dating.  A friend told me last summer that he had had some really great 3 month relationships and there was never any intention of them being any more than that.  At the time I don't think I had any reference to understand what he was talking about, but I now believe he might have been on to something.  My friends at Man Night echoed this "not just about marriage" dating philosophy.  When a group of attractive women walked in to the restaurant, my male friends quickly decided they were in the date category, which upon further inquiry, actually meant that they were just interested in having sex with them.  The girls were physically attractive enough to interest my friends in sex for a short time, but there was not enough else to them to keep my friends interested for life.  

Men seem to be able to switch back and forth between date vs. marry fairly effortlessly.  Furthermore, they seem able to quickly assess their targets.  Women seem to get muddled up, often thinking a guy who is clearly in the date category could potentially be in the marry category.   

Additionally, while there are boys who will always just be looking for date girls, the majority of men are looking for both date and marry girls simultaneously.  Men can also switch back and forth between being a date guy and a marry guy.  Girls on the other hand, seem more likely to fall into either one category or the other.  I suppose, for better or worse, I am a marry girl, that is why I have a hard time thinking about dating someone I know right from the start doesn't have all the characteristics I would want in a husband.  Not that I won't go out on dates with men, I just find it hard to imagine being in a relationship with someone once I knew there was something about them that was a deal breaker.  Likewise, I would have a hard time having sex with someone once I knew there was something that was a deal breaker, I know what that feels like, sex without making love, sex knowing it is over.  But I don't want that, it is not worth it.