Control Top Pantyhose?

I like to be in control of my life. I mean who doesn't, ok, so there are probably some out there. But me, I like to be able to call the shots, be in the driver's seat, run a tight ship, etc..etc..

Not in a domineering feminist way, but in a "I like to know what the big picture is so I can figure out where I am and what I have to do in relation to it" kinda way. After all, I am an architect who needs to see the beautiful skyscraper.

Admittedly I am slow to see all the steps that get me from the drawing board to the finished product. It takes me a long time because I am able to see all the possible options and catastrophes that could ensue from choosing the different options available. My parents used to say I was bad at making decisions. I would argue that I am slow, but not bad. Slow because I have to take every option to its end game (you should try playing board games with me!). I also consider other peoples' feelings and how each outcome may affect them. This can eventually get paralyzing, especially when my wants and emotions conflict with someone else I care about. It takes me a very long time to work up the nerve to make a decision that hurts someone else.

But back to control. Hurting my back has left me feeling less in control. I want to make it better and can not. I want to go running and can not. I want to put on pantyhose and I can not. I want my dog walker to be gay and to get along with the lady on the first floor...you can guess how that is going. I want to find a really great man...

Unfortunately as hard as we try and as badly as we want to, we can not control others' decisions, and we can not control fate, or God, or chance, or whatever you would like to call the other force that is at play in the world. I will call it God, because somewhere deep down that feels right. I would like to will people to do things, to try and get them to come to the same decision that I want to make, but it doesn't usually work. I gave up trying to will God to come to the same decisions that I wanted in about 2006 after my first year of marriage. That is about when I stopped praying (at least in the traditional sense).

Prayer...preached as quiet time with God, or listening to His voice, or communion, nearly always turns into trying to convince God to make the decision we want. It is funny, I found I become better at listening to God the more I moved away from organized prayer. Ironically, organized prayer puts God on our terms, demands Him to fit into our schedule, puts us in control. I think God teaches us most things through our circumstances and through other people. If you think of it this way, listening to God, is just that, listening...while going about our days. When we try to control situations to fit our wants and needs, we stop listening. It is like trying to have a deep conversation with your spouse while there is an infomercial on in the background going on and on about that new car that you REALLY REALLY want. Turn off the TV and practice some good reflective listening skills....