Continued from previous post: (as in read that one first)
So I was wondering....
I am now having the experience of meeting someone I really like and I am finding myself frantically looking at my boxes and seeing which ones he might fill and which ones he might not. Then Monday I had a little freak out session with my work roommate in which I talked about the boxes that might not be filled and she talked about all the boxes she has to fill (she is moving cross country next month from her apartment where she has lived for the last 13 years).
Insights from freak out session:
1. Perhaps I am just really terrified of another relationship, because to me relationships represent pain, sadness and disappointment
2. Perhaps I got a little carried away with my boxes
3. Boxes don't fill themselves, bastards!
4. Attics and basements swallow boxes whole!
5. Closets also swallow boxes whole, but then they vomit them back up about a week before you have to vacate your apartment.
6. Perhaps I am getting way, way, way ahead of myself
7. You can usually determine whether the boxes that make up the "Would be nice to have" list are filled early on but the really important boxes, like "Encourages you to fulfill your dreams", take longer to know. (In short, it takes time to get to know someone, you can't make snap judgements on the most important elements of their character in a week or two)
8. Booze makes boxes get filled faster (both boxes)
9. Friends make boxes get filled faster
10. Perhaps, filling or not filling boxes is not what we are dealing with here
Well Damn it! I thought I had completely processed all emotions surrounding my past, I thought I was so mature and had so successfully rebuilt the walls around myself that I was completely safe from ever falling off the cliff again. But could it be that I am so terrified of repeating my mistakes that I am not allowing myself to even peek at the view from the top?
My cardboard fort with walls a hundred feet high, so I would never have to worry about screwing up my and some nice man's lives again.
… and then it was 2012
12 years ago
Whoa. Slow down girl. Knowing what makes you happy and having the confidence to admit that someone is not a good fit for you is important, but keep an open mind. It's hard to quantify human characteristics.
ReplyDeleteLife should be a journey - not an accumulation of the right stuff in the right boxes.
Hmmm... I agree with the other comment... more importantly to the more global point of filling or unfilling boxes, two things seem appropriate:
ReplyDeletea. A little eastern thought may be helpful to add to your take on conquering fears. Sometimes/most times, you cannot get rid of a fear, you can just learn to face it and by accepting that you are scared, embrace it and move past/forward.
b. Life presents us with basements of boxes all of the time and we could keep categorizing them all or we could realize that the boxes (whoever is responsible for having filled them) represent an adventure to discover. For instance perhaps you find in the box something unexpectedly wonderful today that was useless when first stored away...
Last and most importantly- emotions aren't like water in a bathtub. They don't just sit there waiting for you to pull the plug and watch them drain away. Emotions are more mutable than that, like a river or a stream: one minute/day/month/year they are seemingly peaceful, the next they are triggered into something more potent and less stable...
So I have read a few of your posts, I can relate to the matters of confusion from lessons learned from a broken relationship.
ReplyDeleteBefore I got married, in my quietest hours alone, I would ask myself "is this it, is this relationship it?" (why I didn’t listen to myself is another issue) inside I didn't feel like the love I had for my wife was really enough, it was missing something. It wasn't until after the marriage fell apart that I sat back and examined/defined "IT.” Now I guess 8 months after my wife packed her boxes, I know what "IT" was and is.
For me defining "IT" has been good but still really challenging mainly because I can't figure out if a girl and I have "IT" without really spending a bunch of time with her.
That's okay, but the risk of hurting someone on my journey to finding the right person to be with vs. not trying is a tough trade off. I think the only thing anyone can do is once you realized that "IT" isn't there, pull the ripcord in as nice a manner as possible.
Just my 2 cents.
Btw your site does help. Thanks!