Elemental

I was privileged enough to get a fleeting glimpse of where the kind of desire that exists in long term relationships comes from. We all are told that beauty fades, power, prestige and material possessions come and go, we hear over and over again not to base our desire for someone on these things.

But, do we ever know what to base our desire on? Where does it come from if it is not in response to an incredible body?

My answer is that true, long lasting desire is based on one thing, and that one thing is different for everyone. In all cases it is some unchangeable element of a person's character. Some fundamental part of who they are, something so ingrained that no matter their social standing, religious beliefs, wealth or any of the other things that may shift during the course of their life, that element of them will remain. I am learning to distinguish the element of a man's character that is most desirable for me. I have a sense of it, but it is still hard to define. In words, humble strength. In feelings, that which makes me feel like it is ok to be weak, to let go, to relinquish, a trust in his strength, a knowledge that he could do all that is needed, but that he has the confidence to not need to boast about it.

I was talking to a date last week who was quite emotionally mature and we started talking about this idea of what drives long term desire. I asked him what this thing was for him, and he said that it was empathy. I thought that was an excellent one. For him a women displaying empathy is the sexiest thing in the world. I also thought that it was impressive that he knew what I was talking about, and had so distilled the emotion. Most people our age have not done this and have no idea what I am talking about. I wish people didn't have to go through what I went through to learn. I wish our culture celebrated these true elements of desire rather than fleeting and false desires.

Humility

Love is humbling.  Is one ever good at it?  I don't know.  

It seems that just as soon as you think you are good at it, or have it figured out, it puts you right back in your place.  So perhaps the one quality of someone who is good at love is that they are humble and understand that they will always be learning about love.  

"Men are what and who they do" 

"A man has thoughts and then these thoughts manifest themselves in the man's life.  Therefore a man becomes later, what he thinks now."

-Gentlemen sitting next me to in Starbucks this morning

Differences between men and women

Quote from a recent date I was on:

 

"Men fall in love with the women they are attracted to.  Women are attracted to the men they fall in love with."

I agree.  But there does have to be that initial physical interest to get the conversation started, even for women. 

I have now also discovered that it doesn't take terribly long to figure out if you are not attracted.  It is good to give it a few dates, but you have a pretty good idea by then.  Things are either getting better or they're not.

Love is eternally hopeful.  Hopeful in the face of extreme adversity.  Hopeful even when the odds are a million to one.  Hopeful even after defeat.