Today

Focus..focus...chimney...focus...focus...kitchen cabinets...focus....focus...couch....focus...focus...apartmenttherapy.com...focus...focus...roof deck....focus...focus...mortgage application...focus...focus...paint colors...focus...focus...oh what the hell, why am I even trying.

Boxes, boxes everywhere.

Continued from previous post: (as in read that one first)

So I was wondering....
I am now having the experience of meeting someone I really like and I am finding myself frantically looking at my boxes and seeing which ones he might fill and which ones he might not. Then Monday I had a little freak out session with my work roommate in which I talked about the boxes that might not be filled and she talked about all the boxes she has to fill (she is moving cross country next month from her apartment where she has lived for the last 13 years).

Insights from freak out session:
1. Perhaps I am just really terrified of another relationship, because to me relationships represent pain, sadness and disappointment
2. Perhaps I got a little carried away with my boxes
3. Boxes don't fill themselves, bastards!
4. Attics and basements swallow boxes whole!
5. Closets also swallow boxes whole, but then they vomit them back up about a week before you have to vacate your apartment.
6. Perhaps I am getting way, way, way ahead of myself
7. You can usually determine whether the boxes that make up the "Would be nice to have" list are filled early on but the really important boxes, like "Encourages you to fulfill your dreams", take longer to know. (In short, it takes time to get to know someone, you can't make snap judgements on the most important elements of their character in a week or two)
8. Booze makes boxes get filled faster (both boxes)
9. Friends make boxes get filled faster
10. Perhaps, filling or not filling boxes is not what we are dealing with here

Well Damn it! I thought I had completely processed all emotions surrounding my past, I thought I was so mature and had so successfully rebuilt the walls around myself that I was completely safe from ever falling off the cliff again. But could it be that I am so terrified of repeating my mistakes that I am not allowing myself to even peek at the view from the top?

My cardboard fort with walls a hundred feet high, so I would never have to worry about screwing up my and some nice man's lives again.

The thing with making boxes is that then you have to fill them

Cardboard boxes.

I think only when we are kids do they represent fun. Once we can't fit ourselves in them anymore, they quickly come to represent one of the most hated rituals of adult life: moving.

It starts with procuring the cardboard boxes (no small feat in a city without a car), then taping the bottom, then filling them with just the right combination of stuff so as to not break anything, including your back. Then the filled boxes have to be moved, or stored, and then they have to be unpacked, or in my case, when you move 10 times in the past 10 years, you eventually give up unpacking and they sit in the corner of your living room. Ah boxes!

About a month after leaving my husband I sat down and made a rather extensive list of qualities or character traits that I wanted in a spouse. I was reasonable, I categorized the list into "Must have", "Want to have" and "Would be nice to have". I accepted that I probably couldn't find everything, and I wanted to be realistic about the things I would compromise on and the things I wouldn't.

I tucked the list away in my journal and didn't really look at again until November when I started working on developing a target identification model for potential bank merger scenarios for my client at work. Basically I took a bunch of criteria for banks and weighted the different criteria based on my client's needs and then ran the targets' data through the model and it spit out a score for each target. Of course I was like "Ha ha wouldn't it be totally great if I did this with my own target criteria". (Sick MIT student, sick, sick). Thankfully I got busy with other things, and didn't attempt such craziness. However, I mentioned my casual stroll to the edge of the cliff of nerdom to a classmate (while we were on a date) and we got into a pretty good discussion.

I argued that having a list of boxes that need to be checked is a really good thing, cause it makes you evaluate a potential target fairly and objectively before you fall (or jump) off the cliff. He argued that while having criteria is good, usually for him there either is chemistry or there isn't, and you may have really great chemistry with someone who doesn't fill all the boxes, and you may not have any with someone who does, that is just the way love goes.

At the time, I thought "Silly boy who hasn't had a relationship with LOTS of chemistry for the first year with someone who didn't check any of the boxes completely destroy your life." But now I find myself wondering if he was on to something....

continued in next post....

The 2 fears that drive relationship decisions

1. The fear of being alone
2. The fear of being with someone who would make you unhappy

Things about these fears:

• They act in opposition to each other
• Everyone ascribes different weights to these fears when making decisions
• The weights people ascribe to these fears changes through different points of life
• Number 1 is the root cause of relationship decisions where people stay in relationships they should not
• Number 2 is the root cause of commitment issues
• Past experiences heavily determine people's fears

More Good things about Marriage

Again possitive thoughts, although most of these are not based on experience, but hypothetical and/or from friends in wonderful, loving relationships:

1. Someone to be completely naked with
2. Someone to work hard alongside
3. Someone who isn't affraid to put you in your place when you need it
4. Someone who knows how to encourage you when you need it
5. Someone who has your back
6. Someone who pushes you to be your best and to reach goals you never thought you could
7. Someone to build things with
8. Someone whos eyes are your mirrors
9. Someone to dream with, who understands your dreams, and who shares your dreams
10. Someone who actively participates in making your dreams a reality

Choosing Courage III

Sometimes you do what is courageous because you do not want to be consumed by your fear. Possibly you are running from fear, but more likely you are plowing through it head first.

Sometimes fear is so immense that if you stopped and thought about it you would be paralyzed. In these cases, don't think, just act.

Learning to trust yourself again

I used to think I was a pretty good judge of people. That I could get a sense of what they were about within 10 - 15 minutes of meeting them. I have had to realize that this is not the case. In fact I take a very naive view of people and generally give them more benefit of the doubt than they deserve. Basically, I don't judge them, and try to hold off forming my opinion of them until I get to know them well. In fact, if I manage to think that you are a bad person after 10 - 15 minutes of meeting you, chances are that you are total and complete asshole, because seemingly those are the only people that I can make a fair thumbs down judgement on that quickly.

These total and complete assholes are thankfully not the majority of the population, but that leaves a whole lot of people who are just assholes, that I don't recognize and in fact believe to be generally nice. Sort of the innocent until proven guilty stance.

I suppose I am too trusting and I don't intentionally play political games with people, so I don't expect people to play them with me, and consequentially I get blindsided when they do. I am slowly and sadly learning that I am actually not that great a judge of people. I have made a couple of massive mistakes, most notably with men, or at work. And I have had to reevaluate my abilities.

Since I have now lost trust in my abilities to judge people, I am affraid of trusting people in general, for fear of getting really hurt again. I fear that I will get too deeply involved with someone, to the point that I will loose my ability to step back and objectively evaluate them, then they will hurt me. How does one overcome this? Because really you have to just jump in and allow yourself to get to know someone. How do you do both? get to know someone and maintain a certain objectivity that allows you to judge their character, values, beliefs, morals, etc. so that you can protect yourself if they are not who they first portray? I don't know yet, but working on it....